I was in church and I was singing, but I was sad… we were singing praises to God…
There were many questions, though. Why did it happen now? Why did he not survive? Whose fault was it? Where was God when this happened?
I did not want to go to the funeral service when I heard about his death. I did not know him. I hardly met him, so why should I go? All of this was to avoid the pain of going and of supporting. It took me back to the pain I felt as a young student who had to tell three bubbly kids that their mother passed away in hospital (their father died some time before that). My heart was in a thousand pieces when one of the kids told me – my mother wrote to me and told me that they are not treating her well at the hospital. I buried that pain deep down. I just could not comfort her. What would happen to us? This was another question that I could not answer.
But she was a good friend of Anita’s… she was in our house about four weeks or so prior to this event… she did spend time with us while she was battling with her own fight against bi-polarity. She has just been released from a hospital for treatment for this disease when this happened. I did not want to go, but I also had to go. So I made the choice to go.
He was 22 years old. He was trying to push his new motor cycle out of the road after a motorist collided with him - then another vehicle drove over him. This second impact proved fatal.
So here I was in church, singing. His mother took up two celebration/worship flags and walked with those while we were singing, worshipping God. I could not sing anymore. The tears washed away the notes inside me. I was not the only one. Many people just stopped singing. I stopped singing. The music played, but the voices faded.
Part of my pain was for my own children – we have a 22 year old and a (almost) 19 year old. What would I do in a case like this? Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how proud they make me - just for being themselves? Why do I spend so little quality time with them? So the pain was about me and my relationship with them.
What can I do today and every day to have the best possible relationship with them always? And then … what about the love of my life, the love of my youth?
I still have questions without answers, but I have opportunities as well.
